How do you become an expert on something that doesn't exist?

Is it as simple as just declaring it? Yes!

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As you probably know, I’ve written and podcasted a LOT on stories about things that probably don’t exist: ghosts, Bigfoot, alien visitors, ancient advanced civilizations, the list goes on and on. But I would never call myself an “expert” on those things; if pressed to put a label on it, maybe I’d say I had some expertise in the story or the folklore of those things, or of how and why people come to believe in them.

Because that’s a normal and rational way to phrase it.

But it’s not the way a lot of other people roll. The news loves to tell you, for example, what the local “ghost expert” has to say:

And let’s be clear: This is not a person well studied in the tradition or belief in ghosts, or the history of ghost stories, or the sociology of how those stories change over time and by region. No. This is a person who believes ghosts are real (as does, apparently, the reporter) and believes that he knows their characteristics and habits.

All of this expertise was gained without ever having once seen or studied or measured a ghost. BECAUSE THEY DON’T EXIST. So, in effect, he is as much an expert on them as is my dog. Great choice by this reporter to hold this “expert” up as one whose advice we should follow on the important matter of ghosts that are totally real.

So we should not be surprised to learn that there are Bigfoot experts as well:

Again, expertise gained without ever having seen a Bigfoot, captured one, studied its anatomy, taken a genetic sample, performed behavioral studies — you know, like an actual expert on an actual animal species.

There is such an expert in virtually everything:

My ass has done as many scholarly vampire studies as that guy has.

Of course there are experts in the psychic realm:

Wait, I thought the Warrens were ghost experts. Evidently Lorraine’s expertise was multidisciplinary.

With all the UFO shite in the news, I wonder if there are any experts who are familiar with the traits of the various alien races who visit the Earth? Ah, I see there are:

There are even experts in the Flat Earth, who have never observed it to be flat, have zero evidence that it is flat, and are unable to explain a damned thing about it being flat, and yet are anointed experts nevertheless:

And we even have experts on poltergeists:

Oh, hmmm… I think we’ll just leave that one alone.

So how does this happen? It’s pretty simple. These self-appointed “experts” in nothingness don’t have to meet any professional qualifications, so they’re free to present themselves to anyone as experts in whatever they say. If they like to get ink like this, there are lots of places they can go to list themselves so that journalists can find them. These include Help a B2B Writer, Featured, Qwoted, Connectively, and many others. Next time a journalist is writing a story about reiki, they are sure to find an expert who can tell them everything they want to know.

And so the world gets filled with ever more shite.