The folly of complicity

"Going with the flow" can often take you down some very dangerous currents.

Your humble author at bottom right — about the time of the alleged incident.

There is a lot of complicity going around these days.

For many of us, it’s giving a polite smile when someone at the table tells a rude joke. For others, it’s trying to bring back the word “retard” because Elon Musk’s 10-year-old brain thinks it’s a funny word and should be OK again. For some politicians it means staying in lockstep with objectively horrible policies. Complicity normalizes things that should never be normalized.

Some 20 years ago or so, I had an epiphany when I realized that some of my own behavior had been complicit. I would say or do things “to fit in with the group” — things that I would not have done on my own. I’d always been aware that I’d done it, because there was always that little voice telling me that I was doing the wrong thing. But what I had not realized was the cause — simple complicity, in pursuit of trying to be one of the cool guys. Being complicit is easy. It relieves us of having to make the hard decision. It’s someone else’s fault, we’re just going with the flow.

Each of us, I expect, could introspect and find ways in which we are sometimes complicit, and make a special point to stop it. No more polite smile when someone tells that disrespectful and unfunny joke. No more looking the other way when your employer engages in harassment, discrimination, or bad business. Simply ignoring misconduct or bullying is a form of complicity.

Today I want to share with you what I consider to be the worst thing I ever did, an act of cowardice when I did great harm to someone for no other reason than I was afraid the bullies would do it to me first. I was only 12 years old and was not very good at navigating life, but nevertheless it’s something I think about nearly every day. And when I do, I take a moment to reflect on whether I’m still doing anything like it. Sometimes I have to look hard, but sometimes I do find something and am gratified to have the opportunity to stop it. So I’m sharing this little incident with you in the hope that it may inspire a few of you to do the same.